


an abyss of our own

by smolsarcasticraspberry



Series: The Strength of a Connection [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, also some feels and emotions idek, description of a panic attack so just be warned about that, is dark fluff a thing?, mind link au, this is a hot mess i wrote it for myself and i'm just inflicting it on everyone, this is like... it's dark but there's fluff?, well too bad i'm making it a thing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 05:41:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10824939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smolsarcasticraspberry/pseuds/smolsarcasticraspberry
Summary: Shiro has a panic attack. Allura has to figure out how to help him.





	an abyss of our own

**Author's Note:**

> Two things:
> 
> 1\. Thank you for all the comments on my last story - I read all of them but I haven't had time/energy to reply, but I really appreciate all of them :)
> 
> 2\. This story is a little different to the rest of this series, in that it's not smut and it's not exactly lighthearted and fun.
> 
> This is a story about Shiro having a panic attack.
> 
> I've wanted to write this for a while now, and I knew very early on in writing the Strength of a Connection series that I wanted to set this story in this au, with the mind link and the new relationship. I knew it would fit and I knew I could do something interesting with it. So if this seems like I'm taking a swerve into angsty hurt/comfort instead of smut and fluff... I am. Absolutely. Sorry about that.
> 
> With that in mind... this story contains a fairly graphic description of a panic attack. I know that can trigger actual panic attacks for some people, so if that's you, you can skip down to the first line break (marked by ****s) and read on from there.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and indulging me :)

Allura knows, of course. In an abstract way. She knows Shiro sometimes panics uncontrollably, and she knows he gets tense and anxious and scared and tries to hide it. He wakes up from nightmares sometimes, and can't fall asleep again no matter how hard he tries. So she knows. But she's never seen it up close. Until now.

They're a few weeks into this new relationship when she finally sees it. They're in bed at the end of a long day, and Shiro already has his prosthetic off. And they're just fooling around, like they always do, but this time is different.

It happens suddenly, like a switch being flipped.

She leans over him, laughing and playful, and grabs him by the wrist. She forces his arm down by his side with one hand, and puts her other hand on his shoulder and pushes him into the bed. Like she's done a dozen times before. A little more rough than usual, maybe, but nothing out of the ordinary. He knows how strong she is. It's not a surprise.

But usually when she pushes him around he just rolls with it. He lets her get bossy. He doesn't fight it.

This is different.

His arm goes tense in her grip and he's fighting her, really fighting her, and the colour drains from his face and his eyes go wide and suddenly… he's not there anymore.

The panic explodes out of him like a physical force; like roiling storm clouds suddenly covering the sun. It hits Allura like a blow to the chest. Her mind is completely open to him, and his terror rushes through her. Images flash across her thoughts: a prison cell, a Galra guard, an operating table… Bodily sensations follow in their wake: the feeling of being strapped down, restrained and powerless, the sharp stab of a knife and the dull ache of a stump where an arm should be…

She lets go of Shiro on instinct and clamps a hand over her mouth to stop the scream that wants to escape her lips. Shiro tumbles over and away from her, off the bed and onto the floor. He kneels on the floor, hunched over and hyperventilating, his hand braced on his knee as his breath comes in ragged gasps. Raw panic barrels out of him as more images and sensations rampage across his mind.

For a moment, Allura is lost in it. She feels his racing heartbeat and she can't see or breathe and it's like she's _there_ , in that Galra cell, on that table, even though she knows that never happened to her. She closes her eyes tight and forces herself to breathe slowly and tells herself it's not real.

But it's real for Shiro. He's there. It hits her again, in another wave of dark terror, and Allura realises she has to bring him back.

She tumbles gracelessly off the bed and kneels in front of him.

"Takashi?" she says. He doesn't respond. His eyes are wild and he's not seeing her. Maybe he can't even hear her. This close, his feelings pour out of his mind into hers, threatening to overpower her. She tries to reach back - to reassure him that none of this is real - but it's like wading uphill through tar and black fog.

His fist clenches on his knee, fingers knotting into the fabric of his pants, and his chest heaves as he draws breath - too much, too fast - ragged inhales and rasping exhales. His body trembles as his mind descends into pain and terror. He's alone in the dark, caught up in the middle of a storm and Allura can't reach him.

She tries again.

"Takashi! It's me - it's Allura. You're in the Castle. You're safe!"

She places a hand on his face, but he flinches away from her touch and his breathing comes even faster and Allura has to choke back a sob because how can she--? It's like he's gone, and she doesn't know how to bring him back.

He's terrified. He's there - on the Galra ship - on the operating table, reliving the worst thing that ever happened to him, over and over again.

She forces her mind to be calm and channels her quintessence and pushes it towards him. It moves through the dark storm of his mind, a pulse of white light pushing against the blackness, and now when he meets her gaze there's a tiny spark in his eyes. Takashi's still in there.

"You're safe. It's not real," she repeats. "You're in the Castle with me. You're not there anymore. It's not real."

He reaches out and grabs her arm. He grips her wrist so hard it's painful, and his nails dig into her flesh but she doesn't care. She needs to anchor him to reality. She focuses her mind on being a calm, solid presence and pushes against him yet again. It's hard - so hard - because the sight of him panicking and struck down with terror rips her heart from her chest, but she has to bring him back. She has to try.

She pours more light into his mind - more soft, calming quintessence - and she counts her breaths in and out until his breathing slows down.

"You're okay, Takashi," she murmurs. "You're in the Castle. You're safe. You're not there anymore."

This time, when she lays a tentative hand on his face, he doesn't flinch away. She bites back her tears and strokes his cheek and counts down from 10 to 1 and breathes softly, and slowly… so slowly… he comes back to her. It seems to take eons, like a continent drifting to a halt, but finally he's there. His heartrate settles and his breathing calms and now when he looks at her he's actually seeing her.

"Takashi?" she says, and there's a spark of recognition in his eyes. He's back.

*******************************************************

* * *

 *******************************************************

She pulls him into a hug out of sheer relief, and he wraps his arm around her and breathes into her shoulder. He doesn't say anything, and his thoughts are still chaotic and incoherent, but he's not panicking and he knows where he is and it's enough.

"I'm so sorry," Allura whispers. "I didn't mean to scare you. I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault," he murmurs. His voice is hoarse and strained, but it's the most beautiful sound she's ever heard. She thought he might never speak again.

She pulls away to look at him. His face is grave and unreadable, and more closed-off than she's seen it in a long time.

"I didn't know," she says. "I'm sorry. I didn't--"

"It's not your fault," he repeats, and despite the disorder of his mind she can tell he means it. He doesn't blame her (even though he probably should). With a jolt she realises that he blames _himself._

She searches his face for some sign of warmth, but his eyes remain distant. At least he's breathing normally now; but he's still pale and his brow is damp with sweat. She glances down at his hand, still clenched on his knee. His knuckles are white.

"I'm gonna take a walk," he says abruptly. He pulls away from her and stands up. Allura tries to decipher what's going on with him, but he's purposefully pushing her out of his mind and what bits of it she can glimpse are all dark clouds and anger and shame. Before she can reach out to him or say anything he's out the door and gone.

The door closes behind him, and the tears she held back spill out of her. She sits on the edge of the bed and sobs, overwhelmed with guilt and shame and heartbreak. She cries until she chokes and then she stops to get her breath back and cries some more.

After about twenty minutes she comes to realise that Shiro isn't coming back. She can sense his mind in the Castle, but his thoughts remain clouded and she can't tell what he's thinking.

She grabs her dressing gown from the back of the chair and heads out into the Castle to find Shiro.

The dark cloud of his mind centres around the training deck, and as Allura moves through the Castle his thoughts filter through to her in tiny glimpses. He's blocking her out on purpose, and after weeks of sharing her thoughts with him it's frustrating and disconcerting to have him pull away like this.

She finds him in the gym, punching a bag repeatedly with his one good arm. He doesn't look up when she walks in. Instead, he keeps punching, and each blow to the bag sends a surge of anger and frustration boiling out of his mind.

"Go back to bed, Allura." He still hasn't looked at her.

"Not without you," she says. But her heart sinks in her chest. He's retreated inside himself and now all she feels from him is pain and rage.

She crosses the room until she can stand between him and the bag, and places a hand on his chest. His heartbeat echoes back at her through his ribs. He looks anywhere but at her.

"Takashi." She says his name like a plea, and he finally looks at her. His face is drawn and tense, and his eyes lack their usual warmth and softness. This close, he can't keep his thoughts from her, and they tumble out of him like black smoke. But his words still take her by surprise.

"If you want to call this off, I understand. This isn't really what you signed up for."

She frowns. "Why would I…?"

"You shouldn't have to deal with all this."

_With me and the mess that I am and the things I can't control and the ugliness and all of it - you already have too much on your plate and now this on top of course you'll want to end things of course - just do it quickly so it doesn't hurt as much_

"Just… go back to your room," he goes on. "We'll call it off and go back to being friends. You don't need to see any of this."

Why would he think that? She hadn't even considered it. The thought of walking away from him never even crossed her mind. Not once did it occur to her to just… climb into bed and fall asleep and leave him out here by himself, to suffer through this alone. The idea of it… the thought of him punching a bag in the training room at midnight, alone in the darkness - it hurts her like a physical wound. At no point did she even consider not coming after him.

She takes his face in both her hands, and he bites down on his lip like the wants to duck out of her grasp, but she meets his gaze. "I don't want to end things. I like being with you. I like Takashi."

He looks at her, and his face is a mask of anguish, and her heart breaks in her chest.

"You don't want to be around me," he says. "This was supposed to be fun. And I ruined it."

He looks away from her; down, at his one good hand, and the scars that mar his skin. He clenches his fist.

"I ruined it…"

_I ruined it and now you're going to leave because I don't get to have fun and I don't get to be happy because I destroy everything I touch and I ruin every good thing that comes near me and I'll ruin you too and I just wanted to be happy and I ruined it because I'm too broken and scarred to ever have anything good_

It pours out of him in waves: sadness and self-loathing and shame and disgust at himself. It barrels into her and knocks her breathless. Shiro's crying now; tears of fear and frustration.

She grows taller on instinct. She wraps her arms around him and pulls him into her body and he resists - for just a moment, just a second of hesitation - before he collapses into her embrace. His arm tightens around her back and he buries his face in her shoulder and sobs like a child.

"Don't say things like that," she whispers in his ear, and she pours every good thought she can into it and sends it soaring into the stormy turbulence of his mind. "You deserve to be happy. You didn't ruin anything."

Tears prick her eyes, and she runs a hand through his hair and kisses his temple and holds him close as the pain pours out of him.

In that moment, she realises just how strong he really is. She finally understands. He carries this abyss around inside of him - a well of darkness and pain and fear and horror, and it drags him down and threatens to consume him and yet every day he gets up and smiles and faces the world with hope and optimism. Here, at his most vulnerable, she fully comprehends the strength of his spirit and the force of his will. He's extraordinary. He might be the best and bravest man she's ever known.

She could never just leave him, alone and scared, and give up on all this and go back to being friends. Because he's brave and precious and kind and she's never been happier and nothing he could do would ever ruin this. Nothing.

Because she's in love with him. She loves him. _Of course._

"You're not broken," she tells him. And she means it. She can feel inside his mind and sense the core of him - the small stubborn heart of Takashi, refusing to give up and refusing to be eaten alive by the darkness. Takashi, who fought monsters and never gave up.

"You're not broken. You're a little cracked maybe, but you're okay."

She senses the change in his mind. The clouds start to clear; the lights come on, one by one.

She doesn't have any great words of comfort to offer him. All she can do is open her heart to him and show him the parts of herself that aren't pretty: the loneliness, the fear of failure, the weight of expectation placed upon her. The deep well of sadness that comes from knowing she'll never see her home or her people again. She lets him see it; lets him see her cracks and her damage, so he'll understand he's not alone with his scars and his pain.

Warmth comes back at her through their bond, and she sighs in relief even as fresh tears spill from her eyes. He's back. Her Takashi. He's back.

She pulls away from him and he looks at her with red eyes and a slightly sheepish expression on his face. She wipes the tears from his cheeks with her thumbs, and he nestles back into her shoulder. He just wants to be held for a little while longer, and she obliges. Her fingers toy with his hair and she buries her face in his neck and just holds him.

After a while, he stirs.

"Thank you," he whispers, and this time the warmth is stronger and more insistent.

He looks up to meet her gaze. Her increased height gives her a few inches over him, which she rather likes. Shiro doesn't seem to mind either. A hesitant smile tugs at his lips.

"You got taller," he says. He's drained; she can feel it in his mind. Exhaustion seeps out of him, and his thoughts are like fog; slow-moving, dense, full of weird shapes and muffled noises.

"Is it okay?" she asks.

A ray of sunshine cuts through the fog, and his smile gets a little stronger. "It's kinda comforting."

She brushes a gentle kiss against his lips. "Do you want to go back now?"

He nods. He doesn't have the energy to object, and besides; he wants to be near her in a way he doesn't have to articulate. He wraps his left arm around her waist and she drapes her arm across his shoulders and they walk back through the castle together, arms around each other, heedless of who might be awake to catch them.

Shiro rests his head against Allura's shoulder, and a bone-deep weariness ebbs out of him in waves. At this rate, she'll have to carry him back to her room. Not that it would be difficult, but it's a little worrying to see him this worn out. His exhaustion is not just physical: it's mental and emotional as well.

"What were you going to do if I didn't come and get you?" she asks.

"Probably stay in the gym all night." His voice is soft and distant, and the deadweight of tiredness hangs off every word.

"Is that what you normally do? When this happens?"

"Yeah."

Her heart sinks in her chest at the thought of it, and she wonders how many nights he's spent punching a bag or doing endless push-ups all alone while the rest of the Castle sleeps.

"Does it help?"

"Not really."

Stars above, but he's tired and raw and hurting and she just wants to hold him forever.

"You should have told me before."

"I didn't want to be a burden."

And he didn't want to seem weak, she realises. As if she'd ever think that about him, after everything he's been through. But he works so hard to seem composed and competent - and she can relate to that, can't she? Because she does it too. She doesn't want to seem weak either.

By the time they get back to the bedroom, Shiro's dead on his feet. Allura can sense him ebbing in and out of consciousness. She rolls him into the bed and curls herself around him and he's asleep in a matter of seconds.

* * *

 

When Allura wakes the next morning, she's surprised to see Shiro still fast asleep beside her. He usually wakes up first; or at the very least, wakes up as soon as she does. This morning, however, he's out for the count. She shakes him gently by the shoulder, but he's unresponsive, and for a moment she worries (irrationally) that he's stopped breathing. But his chest rises and falls and his skin is warm to the touch and he's alive. Just… out of it.

Allura crosses to the vanity and picks up a communicator.

"Coran?"

"Yes Princess?" he answers from the bridge.

"Tell the Paladins they may have the morning off, would you?"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes," she says decisively. "Everyone's been working very hard, and we're all a little tired. Some rest and relaxation will do everyone good. We'll train this afternoon instead."

"Right you are then, Princess," Coran says.

She puts down the communicator and glances across at Shiro. He sleeps on, breathing steady and soft, and he shows no signs of stirring. Will he even wake up by noon? He must wake up at some point, right?

She mooches around the room for an hour, trying to tidy up, before she gets hungry and bored and decides to go and get some food.

The corridors are empty, but when Allura gets to the kitchen she finds Hunk. Her heart sinks. She had been hoping to just make a tray of food and take it back to her room without being discovered, but of course Hunk was taking advantage of his morning off and making an elaborate brunch for everyone.

"Morning, Princess," Hunk greets her as she steps into the kitchen. "Care to join me for some breakfast?"

"This looks wonderful Hunk, thank you," Allura says. It does look impressive, and her stomach growls in anticipation. "Do you mind if I take some back to my room? I want to catch up on some reading."

"Of course. I get it. Enjoying a little peace and quiet for once."

Hunk smiles at her, and Allura relaxes. Of course Hunk won't judge her. The Yellow Paladin is a soft and gentle soul, and she enjoys his company immensely, precisely because he's so undemanding.

He hands her a tray and she loads it up with the various foods on offer. She tries to make it look like breakfast for one, but even so Hunk raises an eyebrow at the laden plates.

"Wow, someone's hungry," he remarks. There's not a lot of judgement in it, though. He likes it when people appreciate his food.

"Oh - yes," Allura says. "Well, you know. Training yesterday was very tiring! I need to keep my energy up if I'm going to keep piloting the Castle."

She adds a few more sweet treats to the tray, and catches Hunk's expression.

"For the mice," she says.

He nods. "You want coffee? I just made a pot."

"Yes please, Hunk. That sounds wonderful." It's Altean coffee - not the same as Earth's, according to Shiro, but similar in principle.

Hunk puts the coffee pot on her tray, along with two mugs. She goes to pick it up, and stops.

Two mugs.

Her eyes snap up to meet Hunk's gaze.

"I'll only need one mug," she says, fighting to keep her voice as nonchalant as possible.

Hunk says nothing. Without breaking eye contact, he picks up a bowl of sugar and puts it on the tray.

"Shiro likes his coffee sweet," he says.

Allura freezes to the spot. Does he… does he know? _How_ does he know? Her mouth opens and closes as she mentally tries out various flavours of protest and denial.

Hunk smiles, and holds his hands up in conciliation.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to tell anyone," he says. "Honestly? I'm just happy someone's looking after Shiro. He needs taking care of."

Allura says nothing. Very deliberately, she picks up the tray and turns towards the door.

"Thank you, Hunk," she manages, before the door swishes shut behind her and she breathes a sigh of relief.

Well, that was weird.

As she makes her way back through the Castle, she feels a stir from Shiro's end of their bond. He's finally awake.

_Where are you?_

_Stay there. I'm bringing food._

He grumbles a little bit, in a sleepy way. He's uncomfortable being looked after; she senses it through their connection. But still, when she gets back to her room he's sitting up in bed instead of pacing around, which is something.

"Why didn't you wake me up?" he asks, as she puts the tray down on the bed.

"I tried. You were dead to the world."

"Oh."

Allura sits opposite him on the bed and pours out the coffee.

"You don't need to look after me," Shiro says. There's an edge of protest in his voice, and when Allura reaches out for his thoughts she finds annoyance and irritation. Not at her, she realises; at himself. He's annoyed at himself for needing looking after.

"Sometimes I do," she says firmly.

"I need to get up--"

She cuts him off. "Eat something first."

He opens his mouth to protest again, but she holds up a hand to silence him.

"Wouldn't you bring me breakfast if I had a rough night?" she asks.

"Well, obviously I would…"

"And tell me to take the morning off and go easy on myself?"

"I suppose…"

"Then don't get cross when I do the same for you," she concludes. Her matter-of-fact tone works: Shiro subsides into begrudging acceptance, and the annoyance fades away from his mind.

"You make a compelling argument," he admits.

He puts sugar in his coffee and stirs it absently. Something else drifts across his thoughts: a memory of last night, something he said, something he wants to clarify.

"Allura… I meant what I said." He watches the coffee swirl in his cup, his voice small and tight. "We don't have to keep doing this if you don't want to. If you don't want to deal with all this…"

"Stop." She reaches out and takes his hand, and he looks up at her. "I told you I'm not going anywhere. I want this. I like this."

He doesn't quite believe her, and there's no easy way to convince him. Unless she lets him see…

She wants to stay because she loves him. And she's not ready to say it out loud, because the realisation of her own feelings is still small and new and it hasn't made its way from her heart to her tongue just yet. But she doesn't mind letting him see it. If it will help. If it will ease his mind and convince him she means it when she says she still wants all of him, every single part, even the bits that are damaged and scratched and torn around the edges.

His mind is already open to her; his thoughts clearly on display: uncertainty, shyness, the sense of being a burden, of being… not worth the effort. And she needs him to understand that she never even did the maths. She never weighed the pros and cons, or did the cost-benefit analysis of being with him. She just wants him, and she'll stay with him no matter what, because she loves him.

She pushes it out to him - the feeling, not the words, the words won't come just yet - but the feeling of it is real, it's sweet and undeniable. She brushes her thumb against the back of his hand and looks him in the eye and why does she suddenly feel shy? What's there to be shy about? But she is, because she's never felt this way about anyone, and she's never made herself this vulnerable or let herself be seen this clearly.

His eyes go wide, and she knows he understands. His face goes soft and his thoughts get all warm and fuzzy and she knows he understands her - all of her - even if she can't find words for it. It's enough. He sees enough.

He lifts her hand to his lips and kisses her knuckles, and she smiles.

"Alright," he says simply, and that's that.

"When you were panicking… I didn't know what to do," Allura says. This isn't an easy topic, but she needs to know. "I don't know if I was helping."

"You were," Shiro reassures her. "You were. When it happens I… I sort of forget where I am. It helps if someone tells me where I am and what I'm doing and that I'm safe."

"You didn't want me to touch you, though."

"I didn't know it was you." He bites his lip and looks down at their hands, joined together in his lap. "I just pulled back on instinct. When it happens I can't tell who's touching me or if they're trying to hurt me."

"But the counting and the breathing… that was okay?"

"Yeah counting's always helpful." He offers her a small smile. He doesn't like talking about it, but Allura wants to know in case it happens again. She needs to know how best to help him.

She takes a deep breath. "Why did it happen?" she asks. And this is the really hard part, but it's important. She has to ask.

Shiro knows exactly what she means. He plays with her fingers as he thinks of the answer.

"You held me by my wrist," he says eventually.

"You don't mind when I hold your shoulders, though?"

He shakes his head. "It's different. When I was… when I was with the Galra…"

He trails off. Allura shifts closer to him and rests her hand on his thigh. She tries to calm his thoughts with her own, and after a moment the clouds part and he continues.

"I didn't lose my arm in an accident," he says. "They cut it off."

And Allura knew that. She knew it in an abstract way, but… he's never really talked about it. Hearing him say the words out loud makes it all more real and horrifying.

"They wanted to replace it with the prosthetic," he goes on. "When they did experiments on me they would strap me to the table. By my wrists."

Memories filter out of his mind, and Allura winces as they hit her. The recollections are visceral and raw and horrifying and she fights back a shudder and bites back her anger. How could anyone do this to him? How could they…?

She puts her hand on his face and he leans into her touch. He wants to tell her, though. He wants to get it out into the open, out of the darkness inside of him and into the light.

"When they took my right hand, the last thing I felt was the restraint on my wrist. That's the last thing I remember feeling."

She can't take it anymore. She wraps her arms around him and pulls him close and he tugs her into his lap and she clings to him, as if she can change what happened, as if she can erase any of it and make it right. She can't. She knows she can't. But she's so angry and affronted that tears prick her eyes and she buries her face in his neck.

"I'm so sorry," she breathes.

"It's not your fault."

"I won't let them take you again. I promise. I'd rather die. I'd let them take me instead."

He believes her. He remembers the time she did just that. It springs vividly into his mind, and she relives the memory from his point of view: the feeling of being flung into the escape pod, the desperation and despair as he watched her vanish beyond his grasp.

That's when he knew he was in love with her, she realises. That was the moment for him.

His arm tightens around her and he nuzzles into her neck.

"I'll always come for you," he whispers. "They can take you but I'll always come for you."

She can only nod. She knows. He already proved how true that statement is. She knows he means it.

She wants to just hold him forever, but his stomach growls in protest and a breathy laugh escapes her.

_You're hungry aren't you?_

_I'm starving_

She releases him from her grasp and sits next to him on the bed and watches him eat. She's hungry too, and Hunk's food is delicious as always. Which reminds her. Hunk.

"You didn't… tell Hunk about this, did you?"

Shiro gives her a quizzical look. "No. Why?"

"I think he knows something's up." She shows him her memory from the kitchen earlier, and Shiro groans.

"How did he find out?"

"I don't know!" Allura says. "I didn't say anything to anyone!"

Shiro laughs. "At least Hunk won't tell anyone. Except maybe Pidge."

"I don't… I don't mind if they find out," Allura says, and that's a new thought. But she honestly doesn't mind. It doesn't bother her as much as it once did.

Shiro shrugs. "Let them wonder for a little longer."

When they go out for training, Allura keeps a closer eye on Shiro than she usually does. He's still feeling fragile and battered by last night, like broken pottery put back into shape but not yet glued together, so that the pieces might come apart again at any moment. But he needs to be active and he needs to be doing something and Allura of all people understands that. Moping around all day won't help him.

She keeps a tether to his mind as he goes down to the Black Lion's hangar, and when he sits in the Lion he immediately feels better. His hands close on the controls and the Lion purrs and he stops feeling helpless and powerless and starts feeling like a Paladin again.

_Black says thank you, by the way_

_What for?_

_For looking after me._

Allura senses the Lion, too, through her own energy and vicariously through Shiro's connection. The Lions don't think like humans, but nevertheless Allura gets the overpowering impression of love and appreciation from Black. For Shiro, mostly. The Black Lion thinks Shiro is the best thing in the universe and is pleased that someone else apparently shares her view and values Shiro as highly as she does.

No wonder the Lion makes him feel better. Allura hides her tell-tale smile from Coran and watches Team Voltron soar out into the starry sky.

They fly in formation and practise drills and Allura's connection with Shiro fades in and out with the distance, but whenever he's close to the Castle he sends her wordless thoughts of appreciation and reassurance. The pieces of him come back together with every turn and manoeuvre. Someone says something funny, and he laughs, and he comes back to himself a little more, and Allura tries not to cry out of sheer relief and pride.

By the time they finish training, he's back to his usual self - on the inside as well as the outside. His warmth is back, and the darkness has been banished, at least for now, and he's all good humour and softness as he sits and eats dinner with the other Paladins and discusses the events of the day.

Allura leaves them to it and goes back to her room to sit and think for a while. About anything and nothing; about last night, and today, and Shiro, and all of it. She decompresses, and her shoulders loosen and she breathes deep. He's okay. And she's okay. She loves him and she'll stay with him and if he falls into the darkness again she'll hold out a hand to help him find his way back to the light.

After about half an hour, he comes to her room. He doesn't say anything, but he radiates warmth and affection as he crosses the room and pulls her into his embrace. He cups her face in his left hand and kisses her, slow and deep and soft, like he's imparting the secrets of the universe to her. She wonders what brought this on.

He pulls back briefly to gaze at her.

"What?" she asks.

He can't answer. Not in words, not in thoughts. It's just incoherent need that drives him to be near her.

He shakes his head. "Just… just let me kiss you."

So she melts into him and accepts it, and he pulls her closer and kisses her until she drowns in the taste of him. Love washes over her; heady and beautiful, because it's all he can think about.

And for once… she wants to hear him say it. She's not ready to say it back yet, but she wants to hear the words on his lips. She's ready. It's time.

He senses her thoughts. He pulls back and rests his forehead against hers and breathes her in and his heart soars in his chest and she can feel how happy he is, how content, how whole and good he feels. He needs the Lion, and the Paladins, and he needs the team, and they all help him and heal him… but she's more precious to him than any of it.

"I love you," he whispers. It sounds beautiful. He's warm and soft and his thoughts are sweet and gold and Allura smiles and falls into it, into his arms and his love and his smile as he kisses her again.

He takes her to bed and makes love to her like an act of worship, as if every kiss and touch is a prayer of devotion. She gets the feeling it's his way of saying thank you - for staying, for not leaving him, for still wanting him. She wants to tell him he doesn't have to thank her; that she was never going to leave anyway. She can't find the words, but she tells him with her lips and her tongue and her thoughts and her hands on his body. He understands. He believes her. It's enough.

And so he moves on her until every inch of her body burns for him, and she comes apart under his touch and dissolves into sweet bliss. If this is what it means to be loved by him then she'll take it. She'll take all of it - every crack and dent and every scrap of darkness. Because he's the kindest and bravest and strongest person she's ever met.

Afterwards, he curls around her and presses kisses to her cheek.

"Thank you," he whispers in her ear. For staying and for wanting him and still being there.

"You don't need to thank me," she tells him. "I never even considered leaving."

"I know," he says. "That's what I'm thanking you for."

She smiles in the darkness, and he pulls her into his chest and holds her like he never wants to let go, and honestly? She's completely fine with that.


End file.
